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Srila Bhakti Dayita Madhava
Goswami Maharaja Page
I have
long left worldly life. Why did I leave it? I did it simply to engage in bhajana, devotional service. Bhajana of whom? Çré Kåñëa. Why bhajana
of Çré Kåñëa? Çré
Kåñëa is the sole cause of all causes and I have an eternal connection with Him
only. Who is Çré Kåñëa? Çré Kåñëa is
that existence which is saturated with complete bliss. He has the ability to attract
all other living entities, and by virtue of this He personally experiences
bliss and also bestows bliss upon others. He is replete with unlimited
knowledge. The seers of the truth know Him in His three-fold aspect of complete
knowledge, existence and bliss. Tattva-vastu, the absolute reality, which is
fully sat-cit-ananda, is indeed Çré Kåñëa.
Who am
I? As a part of His potency I too am composed of existence, knowledge and
bliss. I am not vastu-tattva, the absolute reality, but as part of His potency I have
the aspects of existence, knowledge and bliss. Therefore I have an eternal
relationship with Him.
What
type of relationship do I have with Him? I have arelationship in every respect
with Çré Kåñëa only. Çré Kåñëa has two energies: material (aparä) and spiritual (parä). I, as the conscious existence
(the soul), am the cause, and part of Çré Kåñëa’s parä
energy; and my
existence in the form of the effect (the body), is part of His aparä
energy.
Knowing
that I belong to Him in every respect, I renounced worldly life to eternally
dedicate myself to His bhajana. My gross, subtle and spiritual bodies are forever
related to Çré Kåñëa, thus with all my senses I will at all times and in all
circumstances attempt to engage myself in His service alone. This is my bhajana.
Now a
question arises: was it not possible for me to stay in my normal worldly life
to practise such
devotion? Of
course I certainly could have remained there, but I would have had to cater to
the tastes of
others.
This was the main obstruction I faced in living amongst those who were
antagonistic to Çré
Kåñëa’s
service. That was unpleasant. I never wanted to make my valuable life
unsuccessful by
spending
even a moment of it in activities other than serving Çré Kåñëa.
To
attain the opportunity to constantly engage my different senses in loving
service to Çré Kåñëa, I obtained by great fortune the association of a most
compassionate person who is the abode of affection, the dearmost servant of
Mahäprabhu.With loving compassion he overlooked my disqualification, and to
enrich my greed for bhajana he accepted me as his own. Upon receiving a touch of his
mercy, I enthusiastically resolved to engage all my senses exclusively and
continuously in the bhajana of Çré Kåñëa.
Consequently, I set out with determination to follow all the primary
injunctions of the scriptures regarding the cultivation of knowledge of the
soul, and not of this temporary material body.
Spiritually-inclined
people saw that I was becoming indifferent to material affairs and that I was
engaged in the cultivation of spiritual practices. They started to honour me,
considering me a sädhu (saint), and thus I became respected. I had resolved to
one-pointedly cultivate spiritual life by submitting myself for rectification
as a disciple. Unfortunately, however, I once again started to hanker for the
luxuries of this body and for worldly prestige, impelled by my previous bad saàskäras
(impressions).
I had
always greatly revered and loved my Çré Gurudeva. Now, however, due to this
burning urge to
satisfy my
senses, many a time I think him an obstacle to my devious ends and have started
looking at
him with a
different attitude. I no longer consider him my well-wisher. I have some
reverence for him
so I cannot
control him. Nor can I accept his discipline, because it would hinder my
whimsical nature.
Thus I find
myself stuck in these two crises. Although I had originally resolved to perform
bhajana of
Çré Kåñëa,
gradually I have forgotten this aspiration. My endeavour now externally exists
in name only.
In fact,
other than desiring to satisfy my senses, nothing brings any substantial
delight to my heart. I
used to
consider myself fortunate upon gaining any opportunity to serve Çré Kåñëa but
now I see such
opportunities
as troublesome. I used to feel myself blessed upon attaining service to Çréla
Gurudeva, but
now that
very same service seems burdensome. I used to be enthusiastic to serve devotees
(i.e.Vaiñëavas
and saintly people), but now I am apathetic to the very suggestion of such service. My
mind becomes
perturbed
if I am not always praised and honoured in every way by being offered an elevated seat,
costly
clothes and palatable dishes. Fearing public opinion, I often feel too shy to
openly
express such
expectations, but
’’
I wonder
how long I would continue to be counted as a bhakta if I did not receive all this. The
sole
pleasure of
my senses has become prominent, taking the place of Çré Kåñëa’s
bhajana. Now my
priority
is to serve
my senses. If by chance I perform some service for the sake of Çré Kåñëa or Çré
Guru
and
Vaiñëavas, after or during the course of my selfish pursuits, then and then
only am I able to
perform bhajana.
Although
I daily used to sing the glories of Çré Hari, Guru and Vaiñëavas, now within my
mind I consider myself non-different from them; that is, equal to them. I am
gradually trying to accept their position and I cherish the desire to attain
this world, with the Vaiñëavas and Çré Bhagavän as my servants. My object of
worship is no longer Çré Kåñëa but my whimsical nature. In public gatherings, I never fail to
collect fame as a great Vaiñëava by openly declaring myself the servant of the
servant of Çré Hari, Guru and Vaiñëavas. However, the truth is that within my
heart I refuse to consider myself inferior to them at any cost. The external
respect I used to give to çré guru and Vaiñëavas was only a device to establish myself
in the society as a saintly man and thus earn prestige.
It is
not that I have not reflected time and again that I have become immersed in
this sorry plight. I used to consider that knowingly or unknowingly I must have
committed some vaiñëava-aparädha. Offences to devotees usually lead to the waning
of bhakti.
Slowly such offenders end up being victims of sensual urges and entrapped by kapaöatä, self-deception. I am sometimes
able to detect my faults, but because I fear public opinion and the loss of my
false pride, I am reluctant to win the good grace of the devotees by humbly
asking their forgiveness. I am more involved with winning the false adoration
of worldly-minded people, and I neglect the pleasure of Çré Hari, Guru and
Vaiñëavas.
Sometimes,
to impress the ignorant and eager for their adoration, I pretentiously take to
the practice of solitary bhajana. And sometimes I take to the occupation of a mendicant,
engaging in begging for my subsistence. All these attempts, however, do not
satisfy my restless mind, and because I do not receive my full expectation of
adoration, my unrestricted mind finds substitutes to satisfy it. In this way, my bhajana
of Çré Kåñëa now
culminates in attempts to secure wealth, to liaise with women in the hope of
attaining their merciful glance (and make them do my bidding), or to secure
fame.
Seeing
my wretched condition, my true well-wishers and friends on the spiritual path
repeatedly counsel me to refrain from these whimsical activities and take again
to the protective guidance of Guru, Vaiñëavas and çästra.
Previously, when I considered their instructions to be nectarean, I bade
farewell to worldly pleasures and came to perform bhajana, spiritual practices. My extreme misfortune, however, now keeps me
in the guise of a saint, directly or indirectly impelling me to become mad in
the pursuit of wealth, women and prestige.
Instructions for my welfare no longer seem beneficial. I had heard that çästra
mentions two paths: çreyaù,
the superior
spiritual path, and preyaù, the way of natural tendencies. I had left preyaù
to pursue çreyaù
but my misfortune has
brought me back to my old ways.
I am no
longer eager to hear holy recitations of Çrémad- Bhägavatam or anything about Çré Bhagavän.
How many times
will I have to hear the same old stories? Drowsines usually overcomes me as
soon as I give my attention to such narrations. But sleep does not disturb me at all when I relish common, worldly gossip. I
could remain wide awake the entire night just to engage in such gossip
without
experiencing
the slightest distaste for it. I have forgotten the words of Bhägavatam. Therein, it is stated:
çåëvataù
çraddhayä nityaà / gåëataç ca sva-ceñöitam
kälena
nätidérgheëa / bhagavän viçate hådi
For those
who hear Çrémad-Bhägavatam regularly and who always take its subject seriously, the Personality
of Godhead Çré Kåñëa will manifest in their hearts within a short time. (Çrémad-Bhägavatam
2.8.4) The message of
Çré Kåñëa in Çré Gétä regarding abhyäsayoga, constant devotional practice,
has slipped from my memory. Having heard a little about bhakti, I have impulsively begun to
profess well-versed knowledge of it. I am convinced that with my senses, which
are full of lusty desires, I have understood what a bhakta
is meant to be and
now only Çré Bhagavän remains to be known by me. I have forgotten that the
transcendental aspect of bhakti and the bhakta cannot be reflected upon or understood with my
mind, which is full of sensual desires. Similarly, I have forgotten the glories
of surrender to the Supreme Lord and the spiritual master.
näyam ätmä
pravacanena labhyo
na medhayä
na bahudhä çrutena
yam evaiña
våëute tena labhyas
tasyaiña
ätmä vivåëute tanuà sväm
The
supreme Lord is not attained by expert explanations, vast intelligence, or
repeated hearing. He is attained only by one chosen by He Himself, and He
manifests His own form to that person. (Muëòaka Upaniñad 3.2.3)
Even
after repeatedly hearing these words of the çrutis, I do not remember them. And I
have forgotten that the association of the bhaktas and Bhagavän is never attained by
the ascending process. I observe that sometimes my mind is inclined to perform
austerities and at other times it is inclined to perform pious activities, even
though I fully know that neither of these processes can bring one to the
association of the bhaktas and Çré Bhagavän. But I have forgotten this.
rahügaëaitat
tapasä na yäti
na cejyayä
nirvapaëäd gåhäd vä
na
cchandasä naiva jalägni-süryair
vinä
mahat-päda-rajo-’bhiñekam
My dear
King Rahügaëa, unless one has the opportunity to smear his entire body with the
dust of the lotus feet of great devotees, one cannot realise the Absolute
Truth. One cannot realise the Absolute
Truth simply by observing celibacy (brahmäcärya), strictly following the rules
and regulations of householder life, leaving home as a vänaprañöha, accepting sannyäsa, or undergoing severe penances in
winter by keeping oneself submerged in water or surrounding oneself in summer
by fire and the scorching heat of the sun. There are many other processes to
understand the Absolute Truth, but the Absolute Truth is only revealed to one
who has attained the mercy of a great devotee. (Çrémad-Bhägavatam 2.3.23)
naiñäà
matis tävad urukramäìghrià
spåçaty
anarthäpagamo yad-arthaù
mahéyasäà
päda-rajo-’bhiñekaà
niñkiïcanänäà
na våëéta yävat
Unless
they smear upon their bodies the dust of the lotus feet of a Vaiñëava who is
completely freed from material contamination, persons strongly inclined toward
material life cannot be attached to the lotus feet of the Lord, who is
glorified for His uncommon activities. Only by becoming Kåñëa conscious and
taking shelter at the lotus feet of the Lord in this way can one be freed from
material contamination. (Çrémad-Bhägavatam
7.5.32)
I have
forgotten the earlier vows in pursuit of devotion that I took in the presence
of my spiritual master. Those vows were in connection with being the servant of
the servants of Çré Kåñëa and to not allowing any selfish ambition to remain
within me. My only ambition was to serve Çré Kåñëa along with His parikaras. I started to perform bhajana
with the highest
objectives to be had within the realm of this universe. Why I have then
rejected it all to take to the insignificant and temporary pursuits of trivial
sense enjoyments, which are generally misery-bound? I do not reflect upon the
cause of this with a sober frame of mind.
The pretence of yukta-vairägya
I once
used to think that to maintain my life ample wealth was necessary, and that a
woman who can submissively cater to my whims was necessary for the satisfaction
of my senses. Now I read such verses as:
jäta-çraddho
mat-kathäsu
nirviëëaù
sarva-karmasu
veda
duùkhätmakän kämän
parityäge
’py anéçvaraù
tato
bhajeta mäà prétaù
çraddhälur
dåòha-niçcayaù
juñamäëaç
ca tän kämän
duùkhodarkäàç
ca garhayan
Having
awakened faith in the narrations of My glories, being disgusted with all
material activities,
Knowing that
all sense gratification leads to misery but still being unable to renounce all
sense
enjoyment,
My devotee should remain happy and worship Me with great faith and conviction.
Even
though he
is sometimes engaged in sense enjoyment, My devotee knows that all sense gratification
leads to a
miserable result, and he sincerely repents such activities. (Çrémad Bhägavatam 11.20.27–8)
On the
pretence of adopting yukta-vairägya I have become complacent. I reflect that, after
all, in my stage of sädhana, which is full of anarthas, bad habits are bound to exist. I
therefore think that these statements have given eternal licence to my
passions. But these statements actually mean that gradually one must control
these inferior habits and selflessly endeavour for bhajana
with no expectation
of any return. I support my anarthas on the strength of another fault by thinking that
for a sädhaka these
anarthas are
bound to exist. This fault is known as vipralipsä, the tendency to cheat.
There
is no scriptural support for such unrestricted indulgence of the senses. This,
too, I have forgotten. Until I become
eligible to relish çuddha-bhakti-rasa and absorb myself in the service
of bhaktas and
Çré Bhagavän, çästra has cautioned me not to give up bhajana
but to perform it
while accepting those sense enjoyments that are necessary, all the while
condemning them. If I do not condemn such sense enjoyment but fondly accept it,
I will have no way of ridding my heart of it. I have forgotten all these
statements.
My dismal
state of affairs In fact, meditating on the glories of lust, sense enjoyment,
the association
of women,
sufficient wealth and worldly fame, will surely lead me to become eventually attached
to
them. I
came to perform exclusive bhajana of Çré Kåñëa, but I have been allured by the
glories of
associating
with women. I have rejected celibacy to yearn for marriage, having forgotten
its
transient nature. What fate would await me if I married?
Previously,
I had definitely renounced this world, but in contemplating momentary pleasures
afforded by wealth and forgetting the grief that accrues in such ventures, I
have become enamoured by the endeavour to accumulate wealth. I am eager to win the fickle adoration of
worldly people who are blinded by their madness for sense gratification, and I
do not reflect upon the anarthas that accompany such deeds. I have therefore disregarded
the instructions of Çré Hari, Guru and Vaiñëavas and displeased them. At times, in my mad pursuit for distinction
and prestige, I have not only neglected and offended them, but have become
opposed to them. It is not that my dismal state of affairs has not disturbed
me. Many a time I have analysed my depraved life, and how by leading it I have
spoiled my chances of attaining the lotus feet of Çré Kåñëa, who is supreme
auspiciousness and full of bliss. I have spoiled my chances by acting against
my own ultimate welfare. Within my mind
I sometimes become determined to lead a righteous life in every respect; but
impelled by the results of my previous actions, sometimes, unknowingly, I
become unrighteous. In this state I ask, “Is there any hope for my ultimate
welfare?” I definitely think so.
I may
fail any test in any circumstance but I will not be discouraged. I will
continue to traverse the path of sädhana-bhajana; and my master, who is eternally
worshipable for me, most compassionate and the deliverer of the fallen, will
definitely shower his blessings upon me. Kåñëa kåpä karibena’ —
dåòha kari’ jäne: “A
fully surrendered devotee always hopes that Çré Kåñëa will be kind to him. This
hope is very firm in him.” (Caitanyacaritämåta, Madhya 23.28) Dubalo
yadi nä to dube dube vä,
“Even if my boat has sunk and I am drowning, I will not give up my efforts.”
This principle will give me strength.
I will
not become bereft of hope at any time. No tendency other than bestowing bliss
can remain in
Bhagavän,
who is the embodiment of complete bliss. He is the controller of everyone, and
therefore in His dispensation there must be an arrangement to bestow bliss, and
only bliss, upon me. I am His servant, so He will surely protect and maintain
me. Of this there is no doubt.
bhümau
skhalita pädänäà / bhümir evävalambanam
tvayi
jätäparädhänäà / tvaà eva çaraëaà prabho
Just as
the ground is the only support for those whose feet have slipped, You are the
only shelter even for those who have offended You. (Vijïäptipaïcaka
3) Remembering this
statement again and again, begging everyone forgiveness for my offences, and
fully dedicating myself to the service of Bhagavän and His dear associates with
determination, I will continue to offer prayers to the bhaktas
and Bhagavän with a
service attitude. It is only by their
merciful blessings that I can overcome all my tendencies other than to perform bhakti
and attain bliss by
rendering service unto them. Service to the bhaktas (i.e. Guru and Vaiñëavas) and
Bhagavän, is indeed my bhajana, devotional practice.
(Translated
from Çré Caitanyaväëé, year 3, issue 1
Courtesy
–Püjyapäda Çréla Bhakti Vijïäna Bhäraté Mahäräja)
Rays of
the Harmonist, No.11 Karttika 2002
Srila Bhakti Dayita Madhava
Goswami Maharaja Page